The Ballad of the Lost Leaf

The Ballad of the Lost Leaf
The invariable mark of a dream is to see it come true. — Ralph Waldo Emerson Prologue Lo, these dreams we have, and so, much depends upon them. The dream is a small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul, and though we wish this door to open into the ...

The Troll’s Guide To AWP

The Troll's Guide To AWP
Brothers and Sisters, Once again I am opening my fabled Gimmick Vault and pulling back the curtain on some of the tactics my street team and I have made use of when visiting the AWP Conference in years past. Enjoy this “for entertainment purposes only” comic at your own risk. Love, Ted

The Third Annual Ted Hash-Berryman Award For Poetry

The Third Annual Ted Hash-Berryman Award For Poetry
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the third annual Ted Hash-Berryman Award For Poetry. This prestigious award is recognized internationally as the most respected and coveted award available in the realm of not only poetry, but literature at large. The Ted Hash-Berryman Award For Poetry is the award that the Pulitzer Prize writes on its resume ...

Episode II: The Tedpire Strikes Back

Episode II:   The Tedpire Strikes Back
What language is capable of is yet to be understood, yet, to be understood is to be capable of what language is. The barrier in the way of communicating understanding through language is the ego. The barrier in the way of discerning objective truth is ideology. By adhering to an open, strictly nonviolent, willpower-enforced, just ...

Image Problems: Series II

Image Problems: Series II
What’s your image problem?  

Best American Hoaxery: How the Yi-Fen Chou Race Scandal Smokescreens the Deeper Malfeasance of Sherman Alexie and His Corporate-Backed Clan of Poetry Illuminati, or How Ted Hash-Berryman Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Getting Published Under the Pen Name “John Ashbery” 1

Best American Hoaxery: How the Yi-Fen Chou Race Scandal Smokescreens the Deeper Malfeasance of Sherman Alexie and His Corporate-Backed Clan of Poetry Illuminati,           or How Ted Hash-Berryman Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Getting Published Under the Pen Name “John Ashbery”
There’s a disturbing scandal gripping the world of poetry, and no, it’s not the one you think. First of all, is it really a surprise to anyone that Best American Poetry was caught with its hand in the “racists-only” cookie jar? You know, the one that your mom keeps way up on the highest shelf ...

Episode I: The Return Of The Tedi

Episode I: The Return Of The Tedi
My friends, it’s no secret; we like to have fun around here. We gambol along the halls of the internet, tossing open doors we pass, trusting that one of them will lead to the truth. Well, as many of you know, one of the hallmarks of the Ted Hash-Berryman family is that we like to ...

The Second Annual Ted Hash-Berryman Award For Poetry 2

The Second Annual     Ted Hash-Berryman Award For Poetry
I am pleased to announce your nominees for the 2015 Ted Hash-Berryman Award For Poetry. Next week, a shortlist of five finalists, chosen by this year’s judge (Ted Hash-Berryman), will be announced. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, here are your nominees: [Update]: After several arduous weeks of deliberation, your votes have determined a shortlist ...

Jim Behrle is a Hoax, or Is Jim Behrle a Hoax? 1

Jim Behrle is a Hoax, or Is Jim Behrle a Hoax?
[This speech was originally delivered by Ted Hash-Berryman at the 2014 National Book Award Awards Ceremony while awarding the award for Most Worthless Poet.] Jim Behrle raped Bill Cosby’s daughter. Now that I have your attention, I’d like to say a few serious words: There aren’t too many people in the world like Jim Behrle. ...

Ted The Vote Or Die: The Poetry Poll Of The Century

Ted The Vote Or Die: The Poetry Poll Of The Century
My fellow Americans, today is your chance to be heard. It’s time to embrace real change you can’t disbelieve your way out of. There are many important questions we must ask as citizens of the literary community; this is one of them. Your voice matters. Your vote matters. Be a standup literary citizen and please ...