Episode I: The Return Of The Tedi

Episode I: The Return Of The Tedi
My friends, it’s no secret; we like to have fun around here. We gambol along the halls of the internet, tossing open doors we pass, trusting that one of them will lead to the truth. Well, as many of you know, one of the hallmarks of the Ted Hash-Berryman family is that we like to ...

The Second Annual Ted Hash-Berryman Award For Poetry 1

The Second Annual     Ted Hash-Berryman Award For Poetry
I am pleased to announce your nominees for the 2015 Ted Hash-Berryman Award For Poetry. Next week, a shortlist of five finalists, chosen by this year’s judge (Ted Hash-Berryman), will be announced. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, here are your nominees: [Update]: After several arduous weeks of deliberation, your votes have determined a shortlist ...

Jim Behrle is a Hoax, or Is Jim Behrle a Hoax?

Jim Behrle is a Hoax, or Is Jim Behrle a Hoax?
[This speech was originally delivered by Ted Hash-Berryman at the 2014 National Book Award Awards Ceremony while awarding the award for Most Worthless Poet.] Jim Behrle raped Bill Cosby’s daughter. Now that I have your attention, I’d like to say a few serious words: There aren’t too many people in the world like Jim Behrle. ...

Ted The Vote Or Die: The Poetry Poll Of The Century

Ted The Vote Or Die: The Poetry Poll Of The Century
My fellow Americans, today is your chance to be heard. It’s time to embrace real change you can’t disbelieve your way out of. There are many important questions we must ask as citizens of the literary community; this is one of them. Your voice matters. Your vote matters. Be a standup literary citizen and please ...

Molest List 1

Molest List
Click the image to read Molest List by Ted Hash-Berryman.

Rape Poem: The Banned Essay Htmlgiant Doesn’t Want You To Read 3

Rape Poem: The Banned Essay Htmlgiant Doesn't Want You To Read
Recently I was solicited by the popular literary blog, Htmlgiant, to write an essay regarding Patricia Lockwood’s poem, ‘Rape Joke.’ I worked tirelessly to articulate my thoughts on the poem, and I produced the essay you see before you today. Gene Morgan, Editor-in-Chief of Htmlgiant, gladly accepted the essay, praising it as ‘solid and respectable ...

Image Problems: Volume I 1

Image Problems: Volume I
What’s your image problem?  

Interview with the Missouri Review

Interview with the Missouri Review
This interview was originally published on the Missouri Review’s website here. Tell us a little bit about yourself My name is Ted and I am a poet. It still feels funny to be a poet since for most of my adult life I ignored poetry altogether and, like most Americans, had no interest in its ...

Help Wanted 1

Help Wanted
Due to my unmatched acumen in the online realm, my inadequacies in the physical realm have become glaringly obvious. In my neo-Faustian quest for Cosmic Consciousness and a transcendent state of being, it has become apparent to me that, for now, I am but one man, whose mortal stomach can no longer contain the fruits ...

Propositions Of War

Propositions Of War
The strength of those who attack can be measured in a way by the opposition they require: every growth is indicated by a search for a mighty opponent–or problem; for a warlike poet challenges problems, too, to single combat. Equality before the enemy: the first presupposition of an honest duel. Where one feels contempt, one ...