Due to my unmatched acumen in the online realm, my inadequacies in the physical realm have become glaringly obvious. In my neo-Faustian quest for Cosmic Consciousness and a transcendent state of being, it has become apparent to me that, for now, I am but one man, whose mortal stomach can no longer contain the fruits of his hunger for truth.
I’ve given so much of myself over the last year and a half building the foundation of an empire; it is now time for you, my fans, my friends, my brothers and sisters, to give something back.
Much of my past life in finance and law was spent amassing various and numerous underworld contacts whose knowledge of the dark arts of psychic manipulation is unparalleled. Once I attuned my own frequency to that of the Overmind and awakened as a Spiritual leader, only the purest of Archangels—whose telepathies access the mind of Truth—have been allowed to flock under my own wing. Now, I stand atop the mountain which bifurcates the valleys of darkness and light, looking into the Vortex of Inevitability, and realizing that the time has come to sow my seeds across Earth’s fallow land with the help of the loyal angels and daemons who remain by my side.
I have already assembled enough people to have street teams at the ready in several major cities around the country. However, because of the scope of my vision, this presence is not enough. This is where you come in.
I, Ted Hash-Berryman, am humbly requesting your help. I am in need of fearless trolls who will be willing to commit various righteous and unsavory acts, such as disrupting poetry readings, issuing decrees in my name, effacing private and public property with stickers bearing my visage, challenging the perceptions of career-minded game-players, leaking clandestine data, pretending to be me in public arenas when I myself am unable to appear, and mocking public figures who deserve it.
My friends, you are the true poets and artists—regardless of your connections, publication histories, ages, degrees awarded—because you believe in the truth; you believe that there is a better way. You know who you are. You are not satisfied playing a hand from the stacked deck that the One Percent of Poetry deals from. You are smarter and more capable than the Old Guard, who grasp at infinitesimal slivers of fame and influence at the expense of art and equality. Join my ranks if you feel moved by the earnestness of this plea. No one of us can change things on his or her own.
To apply, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or reach out to me on Twitter. If you’re serious, I will personally mail you one Ronny McDonny mask and an assortment of Ted Hash-Berryman stickers to do with as you please. Though the times look grim, I assure you, nothing is capable of stemming the tide of a concentrated wave of the concerted effort of conscientious individuals. I am Ted Hash-Berryman and I approve this message. May peace be with you, my brothers and sisters.